I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
