You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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