I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
