I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
