No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
