Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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