I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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