Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
