yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
