apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
