when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
