Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
