peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
