More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
