This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
