my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
