everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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