Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
