I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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