Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
