She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
