my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
