sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
