You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
