I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
