no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
