I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
