How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
