Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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