will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
