I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
