She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
