you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
