i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
