Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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