a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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