better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
