Where is the hickey?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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