I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
