wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
