i can't believe i had my finger in that
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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