No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The air was thick with penises
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
