The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
