My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
