Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
