She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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