Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
