There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
