Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
