Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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