i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
