No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
