When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
